For those of you that don’t know, I have a cat. Hereabouts he is known as The Demanding Cat, AKA Braytak. He is large, striped, and there must be some Siamese in there somewhere. This is an important detail to remember as you read on.
As I have mentioned in the past I am not a morning person. 8:30 is a somewhat reasonable time to wake up. (Notice I didn’t say get out of bed.) 9:00 is even better. The Demanding Cat, however, does not agree with my assessment of the morning situation. He is more than happy to greet the morning sun whenever it arises. Much to my chagrin.
This morning was a perfect example of what happens in my house -
A bit before five AM, as in “holy fuckin’ hell it’s early in the morning”, The Demanding Cat wakes up and proceeds to proclaim his awakedness to all the world. Remember that detail about having Siamese in his bloodlines somewhere? This is where that detail becomes important. For those of you that have never had the joy of listening to a Siamese cat sing you the song of his or her people allow me to try to explain the experience. Think of a banshee screaming at full volume while dragging your fingernails across a chalk board.
Anyway, a bit before 5, it begins. Every morning. I swear that damn cat can tell time.
“HELLOOWWWWW! I’M AWAKE NOW! IS ANYBODY ELSE AWAKE YET!
I’M AWAKE! WHO WANTS TO JOIN MEEEEEE?!
To which my usual response is to groan and put my head under the pillow and try to go back to sleep.
Seriously, The Demanding Cat has breath control that would make world class opera singers jealous. It’s amazing. It would be even more amazing if it wasn’t waking me up.
Sometimes, like this morning, The Lovely Wife goes to the rest room around this time. This excites The Demanding Cat –
“Heyyou’reawaketoo?! Isn’titnicetobeawakefirstthinginthemorning?! Areyougoingtofeedmenow?!”
The Lovely Wife, who has a higher tolerance to the dulcet tones of The Demanding Cat than me, blissfully ignores this wall of sound and goes back to sleep. I’m still under the pillow groaning and wishing for silence.
Which I get for a few minutes. Just long enough to think it might be over.
“I’M GONNA’ TAKE A CRAP NOW!” - Sounds of sand being kicked around - “I’M DONE TAKING A CRAP!” - small moment of quiet – “I’M AAWWWAAAAAKKKKKEEEEEEE!”
On this morning the next sound to break the pillow barrier is the sound of The Demanding Cat jumping over the gate into the kitchen where The Neurotic Dog sleeps. He proceeds to get about an inch from her ear before releasing the next sonic attack. I know he does this because I’ve seen him do it to The Neurotic Dog as she sleeps before.
“HEY! ARE YOU AWAKE?! I’M AWAKE!”
From under my pillow I wish for lightning to strike The Demanding Cat as I wait dreadfully for what I know is next.
“HEY EVERYBODY, THE DOG IS AWAKE NOW TOO!!”
“Yep, I’m awake!” (She’s nowhere near as loud as the cat)
“LOOK EVERYBODY WE’RE AWAKE!”
“Ready to start the day!”
Now, let me take a moment to talk about The Neurotic Dog. She’s old. Old enough to vote. Soon she’ll be old enough to take clubbing. As anybody that has lived with an old dog will tell you, when the dog wakes up in the morning you let the dog out then and there unless you want to spend some quality time with some floor cleaning supplies. Hopefully before you step in it with your bare feet. So I ooze out from under the pillow to let the dog out.
“Wownowyou’reawake! Howcoolisthat?! Didyouknowthattheotherhumanwasupbefore?! Areyougoingtofeedme?!”
To which I usually mumble something along the lines of, “Oh my God would you shut the hell up and let me sleep?” I’m not really sure of what I say as my brain is not yet capable of coherent thought. Operating solely on stimulus response, I let the dog out and return to bed closing the bedroom door along the way in an attempt to create another sonic barrier. For about twenty minutes a lovely silence descends upon the house. Just long enough for me to start to drift off back to the wonderful world of sleepy land.
And so it goes for the rest of the morning. I finally gave up around 6:45 and got a book to read.
Step inside the mind of me.
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